Yesterday was a big day! Final reconstruction procedure. I was dealt a complete miracle and I am so thankful. I’m thankful for wanting some 40 year old skincare and going to the derm just to get some bougie face cream last year 🤣
The provider shook her head when she walked in and took one look at my tan and freckles and said ‘We’re going to be best friends’ jokingly, and I do totally adore her. You have to adore someone to let them cut tissue off your body at your first meeting.
I knew something was different about those biopsies- one particularly painful and remained that way for days after.
Two weeks went by and instead of the postcard, my phone rang one. I stood in our worship center- shockingly the only non noisy place in the building at that moment. I really didn’t hear much that first call other than being referred to a cancer center. I thanked her politely for her diligence and wished her a good day. She seemed surprised by my reaction and lack of questions as we said goodbye.
I stumbled into our Mothers Room located beside the worship center for privacy. I stood there not knowing who to call or what to do other than feeling utterly helpless. Thankfully, music is always playing softly everywhere, and in this moment God gave me “Victory” by Elevation Worship. I found myself face down on the floor in that space, crying not tears of grief, but tears of joy and celebration because He said clearly this would be part of my story. He didn’t give me cancer, but He was with me and had a plan to see me through. His whisper brought me out of the cave of what was to come. He sustained me in that moment, in His whisper with enough for any journey.
His timing was impeccable because ten minutes later, I spent two hours with a group of young men who felt called to ministry but attempted to justify why their personal walk devotional time was sporadic at best. Imagine the girl who just got a cancer call being your opponent in the debate over why you didn’t have time for Jesus every day lol. I wanted so badly to tell them, but decided my husband should prob actually receive that honor 🤣
Sharing was fun. Oops! I mean sharing was not fun, but it’s what I would encourage anyone to do, so that kind of closed the deal on that! My favorite call was to my sister who admonished me for telling her as she was in the middle of her workday as part of a laundry list of items I needed to tell her like ‘did you get plates for the party? Oh, and this is my diagnosis so I’m going to have some surgery and things.’ I then proceeded to ask her to write a press release for me to share with anyone else she felt like would be mad they didn’t know in our family, like our parents. She rudely declined the request.
I survived telling the people I needed to tell, but honestly it took me a while- entirely too long, and then I was left to sometimes fill in the blanks when I needed help or care or prayer. What I learned about needing people could fill a book, but just save the trees and take it from me, people need people. Even when they can’t take away the pain, they ground you and remind you He is with you and you have meaning and purpose.
Community gave not just me but my family support and laughter when it seemed difficult to do either for ourselves.
I’m getting to the good stuff! I met with the oncology surgeon after a grueling amount of days that are now a blur. In that appointment, we laughed, we cried, and we made plans to move forward. She told me they’d take lymph nodes and all the tissue around the scene of the crime, we’ll call it until they had clean margins. We prayed and prepared.
The troops rallied. People poured out on us Jesus’ Love and it was overwhelming. It’s funny to worry your story or situation seems too easy or simple for all the prayer or care you’re receiving, but these are real thoughts that went through my brain.
Then the Thursday call came. The Thursday call was from the doc saying she didn’t really have a reason, but as they went over my test results again, they had decided no lymphatic interaction and they would not need to take nodes. It made no sense, but I took the win!
The following week we prepped for procedure. I had all the covid tests, my whole family had lived in the quarantine bubble of our home to ensure we could keep the surgery date, and we prayed. Not only did we pray, but the night before surgery I stepped out on my porch to find, my tribe, my holy sisters, standing steadfast at a safe distance in my front yard. These ladies left dinners and bedtimes and all the things, to stand firm in their belief in the power of prayer. All God was asking me to do was to submit to His authority in that moment. You wonder what it must have looked like to our neighbors, to the people driving by.
Here’s what I do know: in that moment, I felt presence of Holy Spirit right there on my porch. We wept, a crowd gathered, making a scene in our suburban tranquility, making a scene for Jesus. I felt things change. When I went inside, I had messages from neighbors. They had never experienced anything like that and had stood praying and weeping in their windows longing for that community, that Holy Spirit Love. God showed me the journey would bear fruit right then and there.
The next day, was THE day. The hubs and I prayed together and headed downtown. I’ve never felt so at peace. I fell asleep in pre-op with no TV, no nothing. I woke up to hearing the nurses wondering aloud how I could be so relaxed on a day like that.
The surgery went without a hitch. She said it looked great. I was great and we were headed home before I knew it. Then, the call came and my lab work was back. Not only were the margins clean, they were unable to find a trace of what had once been there. It made no sense. I was living a miracle. You wonder why I say that with just a ‘period’ and no exclamation of hurray. Getting news like that is overwhelming, whiplash worthy, and you find your whole body reconciling that battle for which it had prepared with the reality of having avoided the storm all together. You have to choose to trust Him and rest in His glory and on Him in that moment.
I was declared physically healthy! I had dodged a bullet! I truly believe God delivered me, and all was right with the world, but then something happened. I felt despair neverending. I felt hopelessness in the world. I was inconsolable for the deep sadness I had in the world around me, and I was unable to grasp the joy I should have exuded as a child of God. In short, it sucked.
God didn’t make me think those thoughts or my fight or flight go haywire, but here is what He did do. In my pain, he fought for me. He found me where i was, he surrounded me with counselors, and doctors and community, and they encircled me while I started to take baby steps back to health. The day I didn’t cry, weeks later, I remember thinking I could actually make my way back to joy and caring for others, and slowly but surely, God delivered me into his wide and spacious place.
I say all this to say, journeys are never easy, but He has you. Even when you don’t have you, He has you.
Maybe everything is wrong and a swirling storm around you. Maybe nothing is wrong and you were miraculously rescued from the pit. Maybe nothing has happened at all and you are walking an wide and even path. He wants you to know He is with you in every circumstance, every walk, and He has purpose for it, and He will be your sustainer of joy, peace and contentment- coincidentally that was my exact prayer in my dark moments- for peace, joy and contentment.
He wasn’t in the earthquakes of the news. He wasn’t the wind of activity and doctors and medicines swirling around me. He was the whisper with me every step of the way. Every moment of the journey.
A Snap of Ginger 